The Mafia’s Wanted Desires

ASHLEY

“Arden!!!”

“Fuck!”

“Arden, look at me!”

“Baby, look at me!”

Those words kept playing over and over in my head, shattering me.

You know that feeling when you have just stumbled upon a new song and you love it, then you slowly become obsessed with it, replaying it on repeat for the longest because you can’t get enough of it? Yeah, imagine it the other way around because that was exactly how I felt, except this wasn’t my favorite music. This was my worst nightmare replaying over and over again in my head, scarring me, tormenting and stripping me of my sanity.

And no matter how hard I tried to shut it out, it came back stronger, resurfacing and shoving the harsh, bitter truth in my face. The guilt that consumed me and ate me up was unfathomable to me. It gnawed at me, draining every ounce of emotions I had left in me. It would have been better if it just overwhelmed me all at once and I wouldn’t have to feel this way anymore but it didn’t. It was slow, torturous, and unending.

I was a shadow of myself. Heck, I would look into the mirror and I wouldn’t recognize the girl that stared back at me. The soulless, angry, and broken girl, who didn’t in any way have an ounce of resemblance to who I used to be. The only thing I could hold onto was the hatred I had for myself because if it weren’t for me, so many things could have been avoided.

That bullet was supposed to hit me but he took it for me. I didn’t know what the hell he was thinking. I didn’t know how he was so quick to offer himself as a sacrificial lamb after promising me forever! Heck, I didn’t ask him to! If he wasn’t such a martyr, I would be in this bed and not him. He didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve any of this.

I was so mad at him for doing this to me, for doing this to us, and for putting me in this kind of situation. He didn’t even stop to think about how this would make me feel. He just threw me off the lane and decided to make me live without him.

The unceasing gush of the water pierced through my thoughts and yanked me out of my reverie. Being back in touch with reality only plunged me into the awareness of the banging headache that felt like it was going to split my head into two. I turned off the tap, placing my wet palm over my burning forehead and I sniffed. I turned it on again, getting my palm wet enough for me to be able to brush it over my face, in a bid to stop my overly high temperature.

I was coming down with a fever. I knew it was bound to happen with the way I had been crying myself to sleep every day but I didn’t care. Maybe it would all be better if I died. At least, I wouldn’t get to be in so much pain anymore. I turned off the tap and wiped my hands over my black sweats, stepped out of the bathroom, and shut the door behind me.

The loud beeping of the heart monitor echoed throughout the room, spiking my irritation. I couldn’t help the frown that descended upon my face as I inhaled the smell of drugs that now filled the room. My eyes strayed to his unconscious figure on the bed and my heart broke all over again, beads of tears forming in my eyes. I strode forward, climbing onto the bed where I could be closer to him.

I didn’t want anyone hovering around him. That was the reason I had him moved from the hospital after they got the bullet out of him and stitched him up. I wanted him to be somewhere familiar, filled with memories, and maybe, just maybe, that would trigger him back to consciousness. My mind wandered off to what the doctor told me that if we had wasted a few more seconds before bringing him to the hospital, we would have lost him. I didn’t even know what to think because I couldn’t imagine how it would feel to lose him. I hadn’t lost him and I was barely sane anymore.

For the first two days, I was managing to hold it together, hopeful that he would come back to me but it’s been a week now and it feels like I can’t even breathe. Everything feels so incomplete without him. I was struggling so hard to hold on to my sanity but I could feel it slipping away from me. I just wanted him back. I wanted my husband back.Còntens bel0ngs to Nô(v)elDr/a/ma.Org

“Hey, baby.” I croaked, taking his hand in mine. I brought it to my lips and pressed a warm kiss to it, a tear rolling off my cheek and dropping onto it.

I hated how he couldn’t answer me!

I hated how he was so still!

I hated the stupid machine and the oxygen mask. I hated the whole world and was so angry at everything and everyone.

“Arden, it’s so hard without you. I can’t do this without you, Arden. You have to come back to me. I am nothing without you and these past few days have been hell for me. I can’t bear this anymore.” I cried, my shoulder quaking with sobs. My heart felt as though it was ripped out of me and crushed into dust.

I was so tired.

I was so exhausted.

I sniffed, dropping his hand. A soft groan exited my lips and I squeezed my eyes shut, running my fingers through my messy hair. The throbbing ache didn’t seem like it was going to stop anytime soon. A knock sounded at the door and I swung my head in the direction of the door, my laser-like glares drilling holes into the door and I gritted my teeth in annoyance.

I didn’t understand how hard it was for them to understand the fact that I didn’t want to be disturbed. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to be with him and I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone. It was a strict instruction that I expected them to adhere to. I shot up from the bed, marching towards the door and yanking it open.

“What the hell is your problem?!”

“Is it so hard for you to understand the fact that I don’t want to be disturbed?”

“I understand that you are old but do you have to be so daft?”

I was yelling at the top of my voice, tears streaming down my face as I took in the sight of a teary Alberta. She looked so pale, her eyes adorned with bags underneath them. It made it so evident that she had not been sleeping. Her eyes which always looked like they could light up the whole world were so dull, stained with tears. She held a tray of food in her hands and the sight of it made me want to puke.

I couldn’t even remember the last time I ate something. I wasn’t even hungry and I didn’t have the urge to take water. My taste bud felt non-existing because how could I possibly eat when everything that was happening was all my fault in the first place?

I sniffed, brushing my hair backrds and I sent her a wry glance, arching my brow at her and expecting her to get the hell out of my sight.

“Alberta, just go. Please. I do not have the energy to deal with you this morning.” I pleaded, my voice breaking. My soul was so tired. I would give anything to fade into nothingness and just get away from all this pain. There was stubbornness and there was Alberta. I had told her countless times that she didn’t need to bring food to me.

I wasn’t hungry!

Was it so hard to grasp?

“You have not had a single meal in a week, Mrs Gray. You have barely stepped out of the room. I doubt you have had your bath.” She pointed out, her eyes brimming with unshed tears. I hissed through gritted teeth, finding her insistence overly irritating. I hissed through clenched teeth, glaring daggers at her but she seemed determined to talk me out of my hunger strike.

“I am not hungry, Alberta. Do you need me to yell it in your ears? For fucks sake, you are suffocating me! Goddamnit!” I cried, my tone laced with exasperation.

“Alberta is right, Mrs. Gray.”

The detached masculine voice that interrupted our conversation had me averting my gaze from Alberta, swinging my head in his direction with a deadly speed that made my neck hurt. My eyes anchored on his lean frame that was now standing behind Alberta, his cold, piercing gaze fixed on me. I scoffed, arching my brow at him. He didn’t seem fazed, not one bit and that infuriated me to the core.

I didn’t know who or what the guy thinks he was for him to get involved with things that concerned me.

“And what the hell are you doing here?” I queried, my voice thick with audaciousness. My gaze was cold, hard, and stern. Alberta caught on the atmosphere that had thickened with so much tension, taking a step backwards. He was now standing right in front of him, his expression overly blank.

“The boss wouldn’t like it if you don’t have any meal.” He said monotonously, subtly debunking my question and buttressing his point from earlier. I stared at him, long and hard, my gaze unflinching. If looks could kill, the look I had on my face was enough to incinerate him right on the spot but he didn’t allow that to deter him from making his point clear.

Then, my lips twitched in a smirk that transcended into a peal of full-blown laughter that reeked of lifelessness, sounding so hostile. I chuckled, wheezing as I tried to catch my breath.

“The boss, you say?” I queried, my voice dangerously low. I leaped forward, stopping right in front of him and jabbing my index finger at his chest.

“He wouldn’t like it if I didn’t have my meal?” I scoffed.

“Well, he’s not here to get mad at me for doing that, or is he?!” My voice thundered across the vast hallway, echoing so loudly.

“Look at him!”

“He’s on that bed, unconscious and not showing signs that he is going to wake up anytime soon and you stand there, you have the fucking nerve to look me in the eye, telling me what he would like and wouldn’t! Fuck you, Duncan! Fuck you!” I yelled at him, my breath coming out in harsh pants as tears filled my eyes, blurring my vision.

I breathed, taking a step backwards.

“Leave,” I ordered the two of them.

“Leave! Get the fuck out of my sight and don’t you ever show your faces to me anymore! I swear to God, if I find anyone lurking around this room, I will put a gun through your head and blow your brains out!”

“Get out!”

“Out!”

“Fuck off!”

I was screeching and growling at them like I had lost my mind. Hot, heavy tears streamed down my face and I retreated, slamming the door in their faces. I choked out a strangled sob, sliding down the door and bunching my knees to my chest while I bawled my eyes out.